Porn Addiction Sobriety Through Self-Mastery
The 3-Step Process of Emotional Self-Expertise: a Sustainable Approach to Overcoming Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder.
A critical competency for those with Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) is emotional self-expertise. This disorder can cause severe distress and impair functioning as it is characterized by an inability to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses as triggered by incredibly heavy, difficult or painful emotions. People can better control their behaviors and emotions and live a healthier, more balanced life by developing emotional self-expertise via the three step process we will describe below.
Step 1: Identify the Feeling
Accurately naming and recognizing your emotions is the first step toward becoming an emotionally competent person. Everyone on the planet experiences a wide range of emotions, however, individuals engaging in abusive or addictive behavior it is often driven by an inability to regulate difficult emotions healthily, so instead, they attempt to regulate their difficult emotions with ‘efficient’ and ‘effective’ methods to avoid, numb and escape, despite the negative consequences on the backend. For many dealing with porn addiction, sex addiction, repeated infidelity or any kind of compulsive sexual behaviors their acting out can often be traced back to the trigger of emotional discomfort.
All of that to say, the first step in self-expertise is to be able to correctly identify what feeling, or feelings, are pulsing through them at any given moment. I often say jokingly that men are only allowed to only feel two emotions: angry and horny. Of course, we know that in reality we all can experience a wide range of emotions, like those on the feelings wheel pictured below, but we often misdiagnose our feelings because we have never been taught how to do this correctly - never been given the tool by caregivers that quite possibly never possessed this skill themselves. The good news is that accurate emotional identification is a muscle and the more one observes and checks in with themselves the more apt they are to correctly identify their feelings.
Over time, it becomes blatantly obvious which emotions are rising for you, and “the biggies” will be frequent fliers, visiting with enough regularity so as to make them easily identifiable. And I cannot emphasize this point more strongly, that all of the remaining items working toward self-mastery will be pointless without this muscle to correctly identify one’s emotions.
Accurate Emotional Identification Exercise: Maintain a daily journal of your emotions. When you experience intense cravings, write them down and note your feelings. You'll become more conscious of your emotional triggers as a result of this practice. How is this emotion experienced in your body and your mind? How could an observer across the room recognize it is happening within you? Clenched fists, pacing, tapping, etc.
The Feelings Wheel
Step 2: Creating Space for the Emotion - Feel Free to Feel!
Embracing Emotional Discomfort
The second step in overcoming compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD) is crucial: making room for emotion. Embracing your emotional world - especially those heavy, painful emotions - during this phase is important, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. Emotions are often seen as threats by people with CSBD, who think that experiencing their feelings fully could result in losing control or emotional pain. In actuality, though, healing and regaining control over compulsive behaviors depend heavily on one's ability to allow oneself to experience these feelings.
Simply put, your painful emotional - let’s say inadequacy - showed up to your home for dinner uninvited. An unhealthy response would be to ignore the knocking at the door or even be tempted to call the police once Inadequacy continues banging on your front door, refusing to leave. Creating space is the act of acknowledging that there is an emotion knocking on your door, and no you are not prepared for it, no there aren’t enough place settings, chairs, food, etc. but you are going to be okay - you will survive this disruption. Go ahead and open that front door, let that difficult emotion into your house and do the active work to create space for it despite the disruption. It will be okay, it may have it’s difficult emotions and in those moments remind yourself that this discomfort of creating space is quite simply a sensation - possibly quite similar to hot sauce. It’s just a feeling, lean into it.
“The Only Way Out is Through.”
Becoming Aware of Emotional Acceptance
The act of accepting your emotions without attempting to control or repress them is known as emotional acceptance. This is not to say that you have to act on every emotion; rather, it is to acknowledge and accept them as natural aspects of being a human. Acceptance contributes to lessening the stigma and anxiety associated with these feelings, which is crucial in CSBD since guilt and shame are the most common emotions.
Methods for Creating Space for the Emotion
Meditation with mindfulness: Remaining mindful entails giving your whole attention to the present moment. You can develop the skill of objectively observing your thoughts and feelings by practicing mindfulness meditation. This exercise facilitates the distinction between experiencing an emotion and acting on it.
Practice Deep Breathing: One of the most effective techniques for controlling the body's emotional reactions is deep breathing. Breathe slowly and deeply when you begin to feel overwhelmed. This gives you a break from responding to your emotions and helps to calm your nervous system.
Technique of Body Scan: This is mentally examining your body to find any tense or uncomfortable spots, as these are frequently indicative of emotional distress. Acknowledging these bodily experiences can serve as a precursor to addressing underlying feelings.
Labeling Emotions: As you feel them, label your feelings. Although it may seem easy, this is a really powerful way to make room for feelings. Labeling them acknowledges their existence and lessens their impact.
Journaling: Expressing your emotions in writing can give you a secure way to deal with them. It facilitates the processing of these feelings and the identification of their causes.
Art and Creative Expression: Painting, singing, or writing are examples of creative pursuits that can be therapeutic. It offers a way to explore and communicate complicated emotions nonverbally.
The Value of Human Compassion
Self-compassion development is essential to this process. As you develop emotional self-awareness, treat yourself with kindness. Recall that it's acceptable to struggle sometimes and to not be flawless. Self-compassion helps you become emotionally resilient so you can deal with your emotions more healthily.
People with CSBD can end the cycle of acting on impulsive urges motivated by unacknowledged feelings by making space for their emotions. Improved relationships, better stress management, and increased emotional intelligence are the results of this practice. It can aid in long-lasting recovery and gradually lessen the influence of obsessive cravings.
Managing your emotions by accepting and making room for them is a transformative step. It's about shifting from avoidance and fear to acceptance and comprehension. You are moving away from playing ‘hot potato’ with your emotion, always fearing what difficult emotion may trigger you.
By putting these strategies into practice, you can develop healthy and affirming coping mechanisms for your emotions, opening the door to a more balanced and satisfying life.
Step 3: Regulate the Emotion
Taking Charge of Your Emotional Regulation
Learning to control, manage or regulate your difficult emotions is a critical step on the road to recovery from a porn addiction. The goal of this phase is to learn how to regulate one's emotions positively and healthily. It's critical to realize that this isn't about ignoring or repressing feelings, as doing so can frequently cause more distress. Instead, it's about coming up with interventions - or constructive solutions - that can meet the very real need that has arisen, most often the need for relief from the discomfort of your triggering emotoin. By encouraging the development of healthier emotional responses, this strategy lessens the need for porn as a coping mechanism.
Creating Well-Being Coping Strategies
The secret to successfully managing emotions is the development of healthy coping strategies or interventions. It is incredibly important to note that these interventions are not simply tools of distraction, but rather coping mechanisms that help you to achieve the fix that you’re originally seeking. People who are addicted to porn frequently use it as an escape from stressful or uncomfortable feelings and this effort is to refocus their attention and energy on worthwhile and satisfying endeavors by recognizing and partaking in any activities that will aid in landing at less harmful - not necessarily healthy - outcomes. Exercise, hobbies, video games, taking a walk, calling a friend, journaling, guided meditation, taking a nap, enjoying a hot shower, or even easy pursuits like reading or gardening can make great interventions - all of which are trigger-dependent. In addition to being diversionary, these pursuits foster a sense of worth and accomplishment that is essential to the healing process.
Effective Techniques for Managing Emotions
A useful tactic is to sit down during calm times and document easy-to-access interventions. This will prepare you so that when a triggered moment arises, during which you’ll likely be feeling like you’re in an ‘altered mental state',’ in that moment all you will need to do is simply choose something from your previously documented list of interventions. An additional tactic to leverage here is to even prioritize the interventions into the order with which you’d like to use them in. This removes the ‘Choice Paradox’ which states the more options one has the less likely the are to choose.
Consistently selecting these healthier options over time will lessen the desire to use porn, or act out with other problematic sexual behaviors as a coping method. Through the gradual substitution of constructive activities for porn, people can develop a repertoire of health-promoting behaviors that enhance their general well-being and aid in their sobriety.
Case Study: John's Path Towards Emotional Self-Expertise
Background: John, an accountant who was 35 years old, had a complicated relationship with his feelings. It was hard for him to tell the difference between being sexually aroused and being lonely. Because of this, he often turned to sex for comfort, mostly through online platforms, whenever he felt this way.
Problem Identification: John's inability to understand and deal with his real feelings was a big problem. He would often engage in sexual behaviors out of habit as a way to deal with boredom, stress or anxiety. This cycle made his condition worse by making him feel good sexually right away while hiding his feelings of discomfort. This kept him from really understanding or dealing with his feelings.
John’s path through the 3 steps…
1) Identifying Emotions: John's first big step forward came when he started to understand the subtleties of his feelings. He learned to understand that the things he thought were sexual urges were really signs of abandonment, isolation, worthlessness, stress and loneliness. John was often left alone as a child as his single-mother had two jobs and his older sister ignored him and these present day difficult emotions were triggering those ‘big’ emotions from childhood. This realization was a big part of how he changed how he dealt with these feelings.
2) Creating Space for the Emotion: John then moved on to practicing mindfulness. He let himself fully feel and sit with his feelings, especially stress and loneliness, without acting on them right away. This step was very important for breaking his habit of using sexual pleasure as a way to deal with his problems.
3) Controlling Emotions: John started putting his energy into discovering effective intervention strategies after becoming more aware of what was going on. Painting and running became his go to interventions when feeling this worthlessness as it met the very real need of relief from worthlessness, which was his most challenging. These activities not only helped him deal with his feelings in a healthy way, but they also gave him a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. He could do these things instead of his old compulsive behaviors, and they helped him deal with his feelings in a healthier and more satisfying way.
John's life changed a lot after he took these steps. His obsessive behaviors got a lot better. His stress and anxiety levels dropped a lot, and he felt like he had more control over his feelings and actions. He had better relationships and a better understanding of himself after this change. It affected many other areas of his life. Both in his personal and professional life, John's relationships got better. After giving up instant sexual pleasure as a way to hide his feelings, he became more positive and sure of himself.
John's journey toward emotional self-expertise not only helped him get over his sexual addiction, but it also gave him the tools he needed to understand and control his feelings. This case study shows how important it is to recognize, accept, and control your emotions in order to deal with and get past behavioral and emotional problems.
In closing, being emotionally self-aware is a journey rather than a series of steps. Gaining mastery over these abilities can have a significant impact on behavior and general well-being for people who are dealing with CSBD. Recall that although this path calls for patience and tenacity, the benefits outweigh the difficulties.
