The 10 Reasons People Cheat
Understanding why infidelity happens…
I approach the topic of infidelity as a window into the deeper undercurrents of our emotional lives rather than as a taboo topic, approaching it with a nuanced understanding of the complexities of human relationships. Adultery is a complex issue that is rarely limited to the straightforward domain of physical desire. I will be referencing recent research, published in 2020, to help in explaining why people cheat.
Infidelity Research
A quick summary of the research before we dive deep. Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelis (2020), examine infidelity - why individuals cheat and the effects of affairs. In this extensive study, which included 495 participants from the United States, they looked at the experiences and underlying causes of cheating. The research aimed to uncover the reasons for romantic infidelity and the ways in which these reasons relate to the experiences that follow both during and after affairs.
The research revealed a strong correlation between the types of extramarital relationships and the reasons for infidelity. Individuals who cheated due to dyadic motives, such as anger towards their partner or unfulfilled love in their primary relationship, frequently ended up in longer-lasting relationships, went out more frequently in public with their affair partners, and eventually had a higher chance of divorcing their original partners. On the other hand, people whose infidelity was caused by non-dyadic situational factors—such as stress or alcohol use—tended to have shorter-lived affairs and less fulfilling sexual relationships with their partners. They also exhibited lower rates of self-admission and breaking up with their partners. The findings of this study not only differentiate between different forms of infidelity but also provide important information that can help researchers and therapists create plans to support individuals and couples in resolving issues and disputes associated with infidelity and cheating.
Ultimately, the eight reasons for cheating cited in the study are anger, esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation. Anecdotally, if I were to add to this list two additional reasons we see for infidelity in relationships, I would include thrill-seeking behavior as well as retaliation as these two also commonly play into cheating behavior.
Knowing the Reasons Behind the Action
Examining the reasons behind people's decision to commit adultery reveals that the act is merely the tip of a larger wave supported by a vast array of psychological, emotional, and contextual elements.
With the help of empathetic lenses and the research of scholars such as Selterman, Garcia, and Tsapelas, we are able to identify the main motivators behind cheating. As stated above, these reasons can include expressions of anger, the desire for variety, and feelings of abandonment, love, and commitment that has diminished over time. These motives are woven throughout the fabric of our relationship experiences; they do not exist in a vacuum.
The Geography of Emotions in Affairs
An affair's lifespan can provide illuminating hints about its beginning. Anger, a lack of love, or a desire for variety can create the conditions for relationships that last longer. On the other hand, those resulting from particular circumstances are usually transient. The gender narrative is particularly fascinating, with women typically having relationships that last longer, which may indicate a desire for emotional connection that extends beyond the fleeting nature of physical attraction.
It is noteworthy to acknowledge the substantial emotional commitment that may come along with extramarital affairs. A lot of people find themselves saying loving things to their affair partners, having private conversations, or looking for both intellectual and emotional comfort. This is especially common when the main relationship is thought to be emotionally empty.
Do People Want to be Caught Cheating?
It's an interesting idea and an oft-asked question. People's desire to be exposed as cheaters is a complicated topic that depends on a number of contextual, psychological, and situational variables. Numerous perspectives have been taken into consideration in academic research on this subject, including the psychology of guilt, risk-taking, and relationship dynamics.
According to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people frequently feel "high" or in a positive emotional state after doing an act they know to be unethical, especially if they do not suffer immediate consequences for their actions (Ruedy, Moore, Gino, & Schweitzer, 2013). This phenomenon is known as "The Cheater's High: The Unexpected Affective Benefits of Unethical Behavior." This could imply that some cheaters do not want to be discovered because the act of cheating itself gives them a rush or other positive feeling, at least at first.
Other research, however, indicates that some people who experience guilt or anxiety about their behavior might unconsciously participate in actions that make them more likely to be caught, maybe as a way to ease their psychological discomfort. This topic is frequently examined through the lens of cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957), which holds that having two opposing beliefs (valuing fidelity but cheating, for example) creates discomfort that people are sometimes driven to overcome, sometimes by disclosing the indiscretion.
According to Alicia Walker, a sociologist who studied infidelity, not all cheaters want to be caught or find a way out of their relationships. Some people value their primary relationship and may go to considerable measures to hide their behavior in order to satisfy needs that are not being met there (Walker, 2018).
In addition, Esther Perel (2017) offers an analysis of infidelity in "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity," which covers a variety of motives for cheating, such as a need for autonomy, self-discovery, and self-esteem restoration. Although Perel's research does not specifically address the question of whether cheaters want to be discovered, it does imply that the reasons behind infidelity are frequently complex and unrelated to the status of the partnership at hand.
In conclusion, scholarly research does not suggest a universal response to the question of whether people want to be exposed as cheaters. While some people may unintentionally display actions that could lead to their discovery—perhaps as a cry for assistance or a subliminal desire for retribution—others may deliberately evade detection in order to preserve their primary relationship or to continue reaping the emotional rewards of engaging in unethical behavior. The reasons for the infidelity itself, the nature of the relationship, and individual differences are likely to have an impact on the desire to be discovered or stay under the radar.
The Repercussions of Infidelity
Infidelity can lead to a variety of revelations, just as its onset. The choice to reveal the affair appears to depend on what initially motivated the person to do so; those who are motivated by neglect or rage may confess as a kind of catharsis or revenge, while others who are motivated by variety, or other external circumstances, may decide to remain silent.
However, it's not always certain if the main relationship will last after infidelity. While many relationships end when an affair is discovered, a sizable percentage endure, indicating that love and commitment are sometimes strong enough to withstand even the most severe betrayals.
The Heart of Adultery: A Route to Knowledge
Instead of being a maze of pure hedonism, infidelity is a maze of seeking—seeking fulfillment, seeking understanding, and seeking validation. Though, ironically, this kind of introspection can also bring us back to ourselves and a better comprehension of our needs and desires in the context of a committed relationship. It is an exploration that frequently takes us away from our partners.
This knowledge invites us to empathize with others instead of passing judgment and to strengthen our bonds with one another to ward off the weaknesses that expose one to infidelity. It invites us to enter the private and emotional spheres of our relationships, fostering the bonds that can make the temptation to cheat a far-off echo rather than a resounding gong and being an ongoing source of conflict.
These are lived realities, not just theoretical ideas. In this work with couples, one must explore the motivations behind adultery, aiming to understand and strengthen the ties that initially drew two people together as much as to heal.
At the end of the day, the key to not only surviving infidelity but also overcoming it is this understanding of relationships with compassion and proactive nurturing.
References
Selterman, D. F., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2020, December 5). What Do People Do, Say, and Feel When They Have Affairs? Associations between Extradyadic Infidelity Motives with Behavioral, Emotional, and Sexual Outcomes. https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/gbd3j
Moore, C., Gino, F., Ruedy, N. E., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2013). The unexpected emotional benefits of acting unethically: the "cheater's high" 105(4), 531–548 in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. http://10.1037/a0034231
Festinger, L. A (1957). Cognitive Dissonance Theory. Stanford University Press.
A. Walker (2018). The Cheating Wife's Secret Life: Pleasure, Power, and Pragmatism in the Infidelity of Women. Lexington Publishers.
E. Perel (2017). The State of Affairs: Harper Rethinks Adultery.