Day 1 Letters: L.M.
Day 1 Letters are letters written by clients to their younger selves on their very first day of recovery. Share in their wisdom and knowledge gained.
If you are on Day 1 of your recovery, embrace the hope for a brighter future. These letters are posted with client approval and have been anonymized.
“Dear Self,
You’ve just told your wife about your sex addiction and affair thus beginning what will be the most difficult period of your life. Over the coming months you will learn a lot about the key players in your life, specifically your wife, your kids, your mother, and your siblings, but mostly yourself.
The first thing you should know is that you must tell your wife everything. Don’t hold back as painful as you think it will be. I know you will think that as long as she has the main points, that that will suffice, but know this, you will only do her and yourself more damage by trickle truthing. Engage with a CSAT as quickly as possible to assist with this disclosure process. Otherwise, she will never believe that you’re telling the whole truth, even when you have.
You will do a good job of learning about the defense mechanisms you have a habit of using such as gaslighting, stonewalling, and being defensive, but you should try to learn about these even sooner. Your conversations with her will go so much better once you stop using these tactics.
Start reading 'Help Her Heal' by Carol Jurgensen Sheets right away. The lessons in that book on how to be more empathetic to your wife will be vital. The sooner you learn these and employ them the better. She will notice the impact that book has had on your interactions.
Work with your CSAT to build a repeatable process that you can use when you’re feeling dysregulated. Don’t trust your tried and true methods of going to sleep or playing games on your phone. Learn to manage your feelings in a healthier way. Start jogging again.
In addition to your CSAT, you’ll find other forms of therapy helpful as well. Join SAA, hearing other men talk about their problems will help you. You’ll get a sponsor from SAA which will be helpful.
Shame is going to be your biggest adversary. You will come to recognize how it’s always been a comfortable disposition for you to sit in. Fight this with everything you have. Don’t focus on yourself, don’t be self-centered as you must focus on your wife and her hurt and what she needs. Shame will prevent you from doing this. Learn to engage with people again. Become a volunteer. Join a men’s therapy group. These efforts will help you feel less shameful.
You will be betrayed by your mother who will tell your siblings about the affair and that will force you to tell your kids. This will be devastating to your wife and for the kids. You will manage the discussions with them as best as you can, but don’t go silent. Continue checking in with them and talking with them about your recovery. This is really important. Silence is not your friend.
Lastly, recognize that through all of this your wife will need an abundance of reassurance and regular connection with you. When you feel emotionally spent or shameful, you will seek out solitude. Don’t do this. It will send her the wrong message. Don’t wait until it feels ‘safe’ to speak with her. Show her compassion by checking in with her even when she’s angry and hurt.”
