How To Rebuild Trust After Betrayal

Rebuilding Trust Following Betrayal: Handling the Betrayed Partner Trauma Trigger Cycle.

Reading Time: 7 minutes

Couples working to understand, overcome, and heal from the betrayal and fallout of porn addiction, sex addiction, and/or repeated infidelity have shown that it's an incredibly difficult and complicated path. This blog post attempts to offer insight and guidance for both partners taking on this pathway. The central foundation of any relationship is trust, which can be destroyed by the discovery of betrayal.

“Trust is gained in drops, lost in buckets.”

When trust is destroyed by betrayal there is a way to heal and restore, and it starts with realizing the complex dynamics at work. This blog post explores the "Betrayed Partner Trauma Trigger Cycle," an important idea for any couple trying to overcome the difficult task of reestablishing trust following a betrayal.

In this post I will lay out useful tactics and observations, dissecting the delicate nature of healing and the value of consistency, empathy, and open communication. This post provides helpful insights and resources for both the betraying and the betrayed partner, who may be looking for understanding and validation or seeking redemption and change.

What This Post Will Teach You

1. Knowing the Betrayed Partner Trauma Trigger Cycle: We'll divide this cycle into six phases: hypervigilance, trigger, fight-or-flight, partner's reaction, further escalation, and disengagement from the couple. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward recovery.

2. Reframing the Betrayed Partner's Response: Discover how the betraying partner can see their partner's responses as chances to be dependable and empathetic rather than as personal assaults.

3. The Pitfalls Associated with 'Grand Gestures' and 'Undoing:' Find out why these typical behaviors don't work and how they can erode trust even more.

4. Strategies for the Betraying Partner: Useful guidance on recording and monitoring fresh, healthy habits that strengthen security and steadiness in the partnership.

5. Creating a New Relationship Contract: We'll talk about how to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal, emphasizing openness, understanding, and respect for one another.

6. Healing and Moving Forward Together: In this final section, we'll discuss the path back to stability and a fresh sense of trust, highlighting the significance of empathy, a dedication to improvement, and consistent behavior.

Being betrayed in a relationship is a very painful, intimate, and vulnerable experience, especially when it results from compulsive sexual behaviors such as porn addiction, sex addiction or repeated infidelity. Rebuilding trust is a difficult process full of obstacles, but possible and this post is more than just a how-to; it's a friend through difficult times, providing both encouragement and useful tactics. The information and suggestions provided here can be a great help in navigating this difficult road to recovery and rejuvenation, whether you're going through this struggle yourself or you're helping someone who is.

Come with me on this harrowing path of comprehension, recovery, and reconstruction as we negotiate the difficult terrain of trust restoration in relationships impacted by addiction.

Understanding the Betrayed Partner Trauma Trigger Cycle

The Betrayed Partner Trigger Cycle

This cycle consists of the betrayed partner and the betrayer going through the following phases:

1. Hypervigilance: Following a sexual betrayal, partners frequently maintain a state of heightened alertness and are always on the lookout for potential betrayals. Although this is a survival strategy, in the long run, it can be harmful and draining. This interferes with sleep, work, and memory (short-term forgetfulness).

2. Trigger: In this state of hypervigilance the betrayed partner can be quickly and easily triggered by any number of items including words, actions, thoughts, smells, irregularity in the environment, songs, movie scenes and more can vividly evoke memories of the betrayal, causing the hurt to flare up again.

3. Betrayed Partner Fight or Flight: A trigger typically sets off a primal fight-or-flight response that reflects ingrained hurt and fear. This can look like screaming, repeating the same question over and over, or conversely completely shutting down, running away, etc.

4. Betrayer’s Reaction: In addition, the betraying partner might respond defensively by fighting back or conversely shutting down, going silent, leaving the room, and more which continues this vicious cycle of escalation.

5. Continued Escalation: These reactions have the potential to worsen and cause more hurt and misunderstanding if left unchecked.

6. Coupleship Disengagement: The last phase, in which there is a noticeable strain or possible breakup of the relationship as both partners retreat.

Framing the Cycle Differently: Betrayed Partner Attack/Avoidance is Actually An Invitation

The cycle, leading to eventual disengagement and collapse of the relationship MUST BE REFRAMED by the betraying partner if there is to be any hope in reconciliation. They must see these triggers NOT as personal attacks but rather as incredible opportunities to show empathy and dependability. This is your time to shine! This is the moment to show your partner that you have gained new skills, insights, self-awareness, and frameworks to regulate yourself.

These perceived attacks are not attacks at all, but rather your betrayed partner still displaying their engagement with you and their desire for you to prove their fears wrong.

“They boo because they want to cheer.”

~Roger Clemens

Easier said than done, right? Well, here’s a guide on exactly how you can do it:

• Avoiding Activation: Remain cool and collected rather than defending yourself. Learn breathing, grounding, and centering exercises to become a master at controlling your cortisol levels. Click here to schedule a 1:1 session to learn more on how to do this.

• Showing Consistency: The betrayed partner is seeking safety and stability more than anything else. You can offer them exactly what it is that they need by engaging with them and responding to them in the most consistent and reliable patters. Through these demonstrations of your behavior, you’re showing that you are in fact, reliable while the trust rebuilds on a parallel path.

• Offering Safety and Stability: Assure your partner that they are safe and that the relationship is stable by your consistent words and deeds. Work to determine what the common goals are between the two of you… it’s both of you against the problem, not you vs. each other.

• Remaining Away from Hazards: Beware the “Grand Gesture” and the “Undoing Defense Mechanism.” Grand gestures such as lavish gifts, big nights out or vacations, cleaning the house more than you ever have or taking on more responsibility than you ever have can feel a lessening of guilt and a display of sincerity and intentionality, however, grand gestures are not sustainable in the long run and the lack of consistency in behavioral patterns will likely trigger the betrayed partner. Healing is not about big, illusory gestures. These frequently make concerns about consistency worse. Similarly, it is ineffective to try to "undo" past mistakes by overcompensating. The underlying problems are not addressed by either behavior.

The Key Action: Document and Monitor New Behaviors

Below are key imperatives to drive sustainable behavior change:

• Document New Behaviors: Maintain a log, or habit tracker, of your progress and effective modifications over time. This is recommended daily.

• Engage with the Betrayed Partner: Talk with your partner about your new behaviors, modifications, successes, and failures and invite them for their thoughts. Be curious! Transparency is equal to, or greater, than sobriety.

• Establish Consistency and Reliability: Consistently exhibit novel, health-promoting behaviors that enhance feelings of security.

Forming a New Contract for the Relationship

The relationship enters a new reality after the betrayal. The relationship that was believed to exist is dead and needs to be grieved. Possibly even who you thought your partner was needs to be grieved. Looking ahead, will the coupleship choose empowerment or imprisonment? A new, clear, and agreed-upon relationship contract engaging both partners or the dog house?

If choosing the new relationship contract, here are a couple of items to keep in mind at this stage:

Building New Frameworks: In this new stage of their relationship, both partners should collaborate to identify what they need and want.

Open and Honest Conversation: Honest, open communication is crucial. It is important for both parties to feel heard and understood.

Assessment: Be sure to identify what success will look like in this new agreement, how will it be displayed, measured, modified, etc. You cannot manage what you don’t measure.

Avoiding Negative Dynamics: There shouldn't be any punitive or warden-prisoner dynamics in the relationship. Rather, it ought to be a collaboration founded on understanding and respect for one another.

Recovering and Moving Forward

Recovering from the trauma of betrayal and the effects of addictive behaviors is the ultimate objective. This includes:

Empathy and Understanding: Both partners should make an effort to comprehend one another's viewpoints and life experiences.

Commitment to Growth: The partner who is betraying must have a strong commitment to ongoing improvement and personal development.

Building Trust Through Actions: Over time, consistent, dependable actions—rather than merely words—are what restore trust.

After a betrayal, restoring trust in a relationship can be difficult. Both partners must be willing to change and have the patience and understanding to see it through. Empathy, perseverance, and open communication will guide the journey. Although regaining trust and healing takes time, it is possible to come out stronger and closer than before if the correct strategy is used.